By Alan Cann
The year is leaving us, my friends. The end is in sight as the months barrel past in a blur. The weather changes, you dress up for Halloween, and before you know it...someone is smiling broadly and saying something ridiculous like "Tis The Season!"
"Tis the season" is one phrase I can learn to live without. The cheerfulness is like gallows humor. It's almost like people are saying, "Hey! It's the most stressful time of year! Let's be happy about it, eh?" No, thank you. I'll stay miserable and depressed.
Well, I have learned some lessons through the years. I've learned that I should only put half as much rum in the eggnog, eat only half the food I feel like eating, spend half the money I think I should, and start my shopping twice as early as I usually do. Thanks to anti-anxiety pills, alcoholics anonymous, and the Internet; I can make all of these goals happen.
Do you know what else is terrible? Women! Okay, not women exactly, but shopping on behalf of women is a veritable hell on earth. If it weren't for Christmas-themed clothing, I probably would have run away and joined the circus by now. I hear they don't celebrate Christmas at the circus. I don't even think about what I'm buying the ladies in my family anymore. I just get on the Web and buy any tee I can find with some reindeer, snowmen, Santas, or whatever on it. The chicks in my family go crazy for that stuff. Christmas t-shirts are like heroin for women in their 30's and 40's.
If that's what the ladies like, then that's what the ladies get. All I have to do is to slowly and steadily acquire Christmas clothes from online vendors. I start this project sometime around the end of August. It lets me get all of the shopping I need to do for over half my family finished before Thanksgiving ever arrives. I have more money to spend on the big-ticket items that I have to buy for my closer family because I've stretched the buying process out for months instead of just weeks. It really does certify me as a genius, if I can speak honestly here.
If more shopping-phobic young men like myself follow this advice, then there will be a sharp drop in mother-in-law homicides during the Christmas season. Whether that's a good thing or not, I'll let you be the judge. It does mean you won't have to spend Christmas in jail. No need to thank me, friends. I'm here to do good works for my fellow man...and to drink eggnog.
"Tis the season" is one phrase I can learn to live without. The cheerfulness is like gallows humor. It's almost like people are saying, "Hey! It's the most stressful time of year! Let's be happy about it, eh?" No, thank you. I'll stay miserable and depressed.
Well, I have learned some lessons through the years. I've learned that I should only put half as much rum in the eggnog, eat only half the food I feel like eating, spend half the money I think I should, and start my shopping twice as early as I usually do. Thanks to anti-anxiety pills, alcoholics anonymous, and the Internet; I can make all of these goals happen.
Do you know what else is terrible? Women! Okay, not women exactly, but shopping on behalf of women is a veritable hell on earth. If it weren't for Christmas-themed clothing, I probably would have run away and joined the circus by now. I hear they don't celebrate Christmas at the circus. I don't even think about what I'm buying the ladies in my family anymore. I just get on the Web and buy any tee I can find with some reindeer, snowmen, Santas, or whatever on it. The chicks in my family go crazy for that stuff. Christmas t-shirts are like heroin for women in their 30's and 40's.
If that's what the ladies like, then that's what the ladies get. All I have to do is to slowly and steadily acquire Christmas clothes from online vendors. I start this project sometime around the end of August. It lets me get all of the shopping I need to do for over half my family finished before Thanksgiving ever arrives. I have more money to spend on the big-ticket items that I have to buy for my closer family because I've stretched the buying process out for months instead of just weeks. It really does certify me as a genius, if I can speak honestly here.
If more shopping-phobic young men like myself follow this advice, then there will be a sharp drop in mother-in-law homicides during the Christmas season. Whether that's a good thing or not, I'll let you be the judge. It does mean you won't have to spend Christmas in jail. No need to thank me, friends. I'm here to do good works for my fellow man...and to drink eggnog.
About the Author:
You should check out Seasonal kids shirts at humorous Holiday tees for information on this new process.