By Francis Cann
Another year is slipping away from us with the speed of a train leaving the station and building up steam. As each day falls behind us, so do the weeks and irrevocably the months. Time is ever on the march, and it tends to catch us completely off guard when we reach the end of the year...and, suddenly, the Holidays are upon us and we hear someone say the words: "Tis the season!"
Tis the season? Never has a term that was intended to inspire joy and holiday cheer had such a reverse affect! Just the idea of shopping and spending too much money while I'm drunk on eggnog gives me a phantom hangover of regret. It doesn't matter that I do it every year. I'm not about to start learning from my mistakes now. I've made it through this alive and without any major scars so far, so why try to be smart now?
Well, I have learned some lessons through the years. I've learned that I should only put half as much rum in the eggnog, eat only half the food I feel like eating, spend half the money I think I should, and start my shopping twice as early as I usually do. Thanks to anti-anxiety pills, alcoholics anonymous, and the Internet; I can make all of these goals happen.
I cannot relate to the women in my family at all. This is because I am not a crazy person. All of my sisters, aunts, cousins, and my mother belong in a safe place with an unlimited supply of fresh kittens and calming medication. Luckily, all of them love seasonal t-shirts. This is my salvation from most Christmas anxiety because it saves me for buying intimate gifts for people I just don't understand. I can buy a colorful nick-knack of a kitten all tangled in Christmas ribbon that plays "All I want For Christmas" and I get blank stares. I put that same cute kitten on a t-shirt, and they go nuts over it.
Once this secret was discovered, I went nuts with joy. I don't have to think about what I'm buying these insane people at all any more. I can pretty much just buy these Christmas tees at random, because all of the tees that I've bought have been big hits. All I have to do is get on the Internet, buy Christmas shirts for the insane asylum we call my family, and I'm practically done by Thanksgiving.
If more shopping-phobic young men like myself follow this advice, then there will be a sharp drop in mother-in-law homicides during the Christmas season. Whether that's a good thing or not, I'll let you be the judge. It does mean you won't have to spend Christmas in jail. No need to thank me, friends. I'm here to do good works for my fellow man...and to drink eggnog.
Tis the season? Never has a term that was intended to inspire joy and holiday cheer had such a reverse affect! Just the idea of shopping and spending too much money while I'm drunk on eggnog gives me a phantom hangover of regret. It doesn't matter that I do it every year. I'm not about to start learning from my mistakes now. I've made it through this alive and without any major scars so far, so why try to be smart now?
Well, I have learned some lessons through the years. I've learned that I should only put half as much rum in the eggnog, eat only half the food I feel like eating, spend half the money I think I should, and start my shopping twice as early as I usually do. Thanks to anti-anxiety pills, alcoholics anonymous, and the Internet; I can make all of these goals happen.
I cannot relate to the women in my family at all. This is because I am not a crazy person. All of my sisters, aunts, cousins, and my mother belong in a safe place with an unlimited supply of fresh kittens and calming medication. Luckily, all of them love seasonal t-shirts. This is my salvation from most Christmas anxiety because it saves me for buying intimate gifts for people I just don't understand. I can buy a colorful nick-knack of a kitten all tangled in Christmas ribbon that plays "All I want For Christmas" and I get blank stares. I put that same cute kitten on a t-shirt, and they go nuts over it.
Once this secret was discovered, I went nuts with joy. I don't have to think about what I'm buying these insane people at all any more. I can pretty much just buy these Christmas tees at random, because all of the tees that I've bought have been big hits. All I have to do is get on the Internet, buy Christmas shirts for the insane asylum we call my family, and I'm practically done by Thanksgiving.
If more shopping-phobic young men like myself follow this advice, then there will be a sharp drop in mother-in-law homicides during the Christmas season. Whether that's a good thing or not, I'll let you be the judge. It does mean you won't have to spend Christmas in jail. No need to thank me, friends. I'm here to do good works for my fellow man...and to drink eggnog.
About the Author:
More information is available about a humorous Holiday tees at Seasonal kids shirts to learn more.